Living with Leukemia: Serenity’s first Oncology Clinic visit

This is Day 11 of my baby, Serenity, being diagnosed with and treated for Leukemia.  Day 9 is here. 

I HATE Cancer.  I cannot stand what it’s doing to my baby, it rips me up inside every time she is affected by it.  Today was one of the worst, second only to dropping her off for surgery on Sunday.  I think any Father can understand (but hopefully hasn’t had to experience) the feeling of helplessness, frustration, anger and impotence of watching your child suffer and being completely unable to do a single thing about it.  A father is supposed to be able to keep his children safe from harm, he is the protector and the provider.  Cancer completely robs a father of those abilities.  How does a father spurn an invisible, untouchable and deadly enemy?  It forces you to do things and allow things to be done to your child that you would never do in real life.  Seriously, what father would hold down his baby, force liquid into her mouth that he knows will probably make her puke instantly – and when she does puke, as soon as she is settled, you force the same thing again – yet in the last week I’ve done it dozens of times to her. 

Today I watched and held Serenity still as they gave her drugs to put her to sleep so they could shove needles into her back to inject poison and her hip to extract bone marrow.  I’ve seen people stoned many times before – once she was clearly stoned out of her mind it didn’t really bother me.  Then they gave her drugs to put her to sleep, she was sitting up, leaning against me and it was simply as if she had taken a nap.  Then I laid her down – and that was the bad.  It wasn’t like she was asleep – it was like she was dead.  Her eyes were wide open, she was quite stiff, and it totally reminded me of the only time I’ve held a dead person.  It completely freaked me out – I had just stood by and helped as they apparently killed my baby.  I knew intuitively that she was fine, that it was a simple procedure that the doctors and nurses had done many, many times.  But mentally I had just watched my baby die, it took me a bit to get past it.  I didn’t, couldn’t mention it to Adria, she was a little freaked out by it too.  I hate that Cancer made me allow, even assist, in making that happen.

Of course, she was fine but the point remains: I hate Cancer and what it makes a Father do and allow.

On an easier note, we had Serenity’s hair cut today.  Her long hair was beautiful but it got in the way every time she threw up.  It was hot and frequently sweaty and is going to fall out very soon anyway.  So today she got a bob.  It’s different but quite cute! 

And on a happy note, after she had her intravenous chemo treatment, her bone marrow aspiration, her lumbar puncture along with her spinal chemo tretment, and new platelets – she had her port de-accessed.  That means she had the dressing, tubing and needle removed from her port – now her chest is clear and the only unusual thing about it is a bump in her chest above her heart.  She is SO happy and proud of that! 

The other cool thing she got today was her “Courage Necklace” which is a cool thing that the Child Life people at the hospital do for the kids.  They get a necklace with beads on it that spell out their name and they get a particular bead for different things they’ve done for their treatment.  There’s one for an ambulance ride, one for chemo, one for surgery, one for getting a port and about 30 other things.  Today Serenity got about 15 beads (too bad they don’t have one for puking, she’d have about 70 of them)- she’s been through a lot! 

I’m SO glad that our baby is still with us, I’ll have to watch all the events I’ve described here happen repeatedly over the next 2 1/2 years until she is cured – and I’ll do it gladly.  But I still HATE Cancer.

UPDATE: Day 13 is here.

The story of Serenity’s battle with Leukemia begins here.